When the movie “About Schmidt” came out in 2002, our neighbor Gene told us we must go see it. Gene happened to be a Jack Nicholson impersonator, often hired to portray him at parties. He was also Nicholson’s body double for the movie. Since our neighbor is a funny guy, we assumed the movie would be a comedy.
We were wrong.
The movie follows Warren Schmidt (Nicholson) on his journey to figure out what to do after retirement. Early in the movie there is a retirement party to celebrate Schmidt’s long years of service. While his successor and others are trying to honor Schmidt often using humorous stories and comments, everything said leaves him feeling insufficient, depressed, and alone. We left the movie wondering, “If we are what we do and we don’t do it anymore, then who are we?”
Like “About Schmidt,” many things in our society related to aging are darker than one would expect.
For instance, we use greeting cards to mark the birthdays and other life milestones of the people we care about. Yet how often do you look for a retirement card or a birthday card for someone older than 40 and can’t find one that reflects the positive things you feel and wish for this person? The next time you are shopping for cards, pay close attention—you’ll probably find that many of the celebratory cards have a negative spin to them, and the ones with “jokes” seem more gloomy than funny. This happened to me so often that I now make my own cards or I buy blank cards and write my own message.
Ageism Is Unfortunately Alive And Well
A recent survey from MyPerfectResume indicated that “almost all American workers over the age of 40 believe there is ageism in the workplace, and many say they’ve encountered ageist stereotypes, bullying and subtle cultural pressures to conceal their age.” If people experience ageism in the workplace, they are also encountering it out in society. These messages reinforced in greeting cards only further magnify the problem.
To increase awareness, I often hand out birthday and retirement greeting cards in workshops and ask participants to read the message out loud. It becomes clear rather quickly that while the messages are meant to be humorous, they tend to stress negative images such as:
- We are over the hill and life is downhill.
- What we can’t do now that we are older.
- Life will be boring after retirement.
- Life is now sitting on a beach or hours on the couch.
- We are losing a lot: eyesight, hearing, mobility, and more.
While some of these themes may be true, most of us don’t want to be reminded of these possibilities on our birthday or as we leave our career. Ageism is embedded into these messages and we are often tone deaf because they are so prevalent.
Ashton Applewhite is the author of “This Chair Rocks: A Manifesto Against Ageism” and creator of the website “Old School: A Hub for Age Equity and Ageism Awareness.”Applewhite defines ageism as: “judging, stereotyping, and discriminating against people on the basis of how old we think they are.” With two colleagues, she created the Old School Anti-Ageism Clearinghouse which has numerous resources that are all available for free.
Applewhite emphasizes in her publications how ageism is internalized by the negative messages that we have experienced from our childhood that have affected our perspectives about ourselves and others. “Ageism takes root in denial and pretending we’re not going to get older,” Applewhite says. She adds that this is our unconscious bias against aging. Unless we are aware of it, we are ageist about ourselves and others. “Once you see it in yourself, it is like a genie getting out of a bottle. You start to see it in the culture around you. And that is really liberating,” says Applewhite.
Cards Are Starting To Change
Some people have felt my pain and started companies to change the narrative around retirement and birthdays. I interviewed Jan Golden for my monthly podcast “Becoming a Sage.” Golden is a pro-age advocate and the creator of Age-Friendly Vibes, a stationery brand that promotes age-positivity. She created a robust collection of anti-ageist birthday cards.
Through research, Golden discovered that Hallmark, has made a lot of money tapping into the psyche of American culture which has influenced millions of people in a not-so-positive way.
Shoebox Greetings, the “tiny little division of Hallmark,” was created in 1986 as an alternative to sentimental cards you would send when you “care enough to send the very best.” The caricature Maxine was created, “a bent-over, crabby old lady, with a sharp wit and bitter attitude. The one that contributes to the ageist messages that over 82% of people over 50 claim to see every day.”
Golden and others argue that many of the messages are not funny. Since messages matter, they believe they need to change and Aging-Friendly Vibes is out to change them. Some of Golden’s messages include:
- Celebrating you never gets old.
- Don’t worry about getting older, everyone’s doing it.
- You are at the age when you realize they were all wrong about this age.
According to Golden, she is inspired by witnessing the reaction to age-positive messages. She agrees with Applewhite it is critically important to be aware of the messages we are telling ourselves and sending to others and research supports why these messages matter.
Becca Levy, is a professor of epidemiology at the Yale School of Public Health, professor of psychology at Yale University, and author of “Breaking the Age Code: How Your Beliefs About Aging Determine How Long and Well You Live.” Levy’s research shows how health problems that have been attributed to aging, such as memory loss, hearing decline, and cardiovascular events, are influenced by negative age beliefs. “Positive age beliefs, on the other hand, lead to better health and even longer life – 7.5 years on average.”
Levy has created the “ABC method” as an easy way for people to adopt an “age-thriving” attitude about aging: increasing Awareness, placing Blame where it’s due, and Challenging negative age beliefs. Since we can’t change what we don’t know, having an age-thriving attitude starts with being aware of ageism within ourselves and in our society.
The next time you want to buy a birthday or retirement card, pay close attention to the message. It should be a positive message that makes you and the receiver feel good about where they are in life. Interestingly, Golden of Age-Friendly Vibes is nominated for the Writer of the Year. The Louie Awards are the Academy Awards for the stationery world. The competition includes national brands, boutique lines, and other small maker companies. The winner will be announced in late August.
Golden told me her reason for being considered. “When it comes to celebrating birthdays, it is easy to make jokes about getting older. However, it is more challenging to discuss age in ways that are clever, inspiring, and thought-provoking,” she says.
My favorite birthday message is: “Don’t count the candles on the cake. But count the glow the candles make.” For retirement, my message is: “May the rest of life, be the best of life.”
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