Rather than something old, something new — this bride’s wedding was nearly ruined by drugs and doggy doo.
Most gals need a big day disaster like they need a champagne cork to the head. Well, unlucky for newlywed Jade Jensen, she suffered both — and then some — just moments before walking down the aisle in March.
“Hilarious things that happened on my wedding day,” Jensen, 27, a paramedic from Australia, wrote in the closed caption of a TikTok tell-all.
She shared the explainer vid after teasing social media with the tea on her pre-ceremony chaos in a separate clip, which scared up over 2.3 million views.
“I was opening a bottle of Veuve,” the blonde began.
“I wasn’t thinking when I was opening the bottle, and I looked down slightly and it hit me right there,” Jensen continued, pointing to her forehead.
Worried the impact would leave an egg-like lump on her noggin, the “freaked out” millennial grabbed an ice pack to reduce the swelling and popped some ibuprofen — or so she thought — to avoid a headache.
But instead of swallowing pain relief pills, Jensen accident downed Restavit tablets – anti-insomnia sleeping pills.
“I quickly ran to the bathroom and started to tactical vomit,” said the beleaguered bride, admitting she tried forcing herself to throw up. “But because I’d just ate breakfast, I couldn’t see if I’d brought [the tablets] up, and I wasn’t desperate enough to siphon through [my vomit].”
Hoping not to slip into a deep slumber before saying “I Do,” Jensen chugged a Monster energy drink and suited up in her bridal gear, assuming the day couldn’t get any worse.
But boy, was the bride wrong.
While sauntering towards the altar of her outdoor fête, Jensen’s dog, Sassy, excitedly jumped on her nine-foot veil, ripping the regalia off of her head.
“And to top off the day, halfway through the ceremony, [Sassy] went off to the side and decided to do a Cleveland Steamer,” Jensen groaned while superimposing a snapshot of her pup pooping.
The troubled belle’s nightmarish nuptials closely resemble that of bride Hollee Darnell — a 20-something who fainted, vomited and was defecated on by a baby during her 2021 vows.
Jensen’s horrifying hitching also rings eerily similar to Washington-based bride Janai, whose recent tying-of-the-not was plagued by a storm, a loss of electricity, a seizure and a pair of dentures that fell into a toilet.
But rather than fearing that her marriage might be jinxed, Jensen is happy to shrug off her wedding woes as a cautionary joke.
“It was actually a very memorable day,” she said in jest. “We can laugh about it now.”
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