The rise of dating apps, social media, and the prominence of technology in everyday life has transformed the dating landscape as we know it.
With a world of information readily accessible at our fingertips—whether it’s TikTokers sharing shocking first-date horror stories, viral threads dissecting awkward encounters, or podcasts breaking down relationship dynamics—one might assume that identifying “green” and “red flags” on a first date would be straightforward.
But dating remains subjective, and opinions on what constitutes a “flag” can vary widely. While some express that modern dating places too much pressure on individuals by setting excessively high standards, others view it as an opportunity to be more selective—treating dating as a process of elimination, akin to a job interview, where only the best matches pass to the next stage.
To navigate this evolving dating culture, we reached out to relationship experts to uncover what they consider the ultimate green flag on a first date. Their insights shed light on the subtle yet significant signs that reflect compatibility and mutual respect—factors that are more important than ever in today’s fast-paced, high-pressure dating world.
Lisa Marie Bobby, PhD, LMFT, LP, BCC, Founder & CEO, Growing Self Counseling & Coaching
One of the most promising signs on a first date is sincerity combined with “boundaried openness.” This means someone who is open and authentic, but also respectful of the context—like sharing just enough about themselves to build a connection, without oversharing or coming on too strong.
Pay attention to how they talk about their relationships, too. People who have a history of healthy relationships tend to have positive things to say about their friends and family. They’ll also likely demonstrate conscientiousness—showing up on time, being considerate, and showing genuine interest in getting to know you.
And here’s a surprising one: a green flag is not feeling crazy, overwhelming chemistry. While it’s fun to feel sparks flying, those intense emotions can sometimes cloud judgment. Healthy, emotionally available people tend to feel more calming than chaotic. Instead of intense fireworks, you’ll feel a sense of interest, curiosity, and ease—and that’s a really good thing.
Duana Welch, PhD, Author and Dating Coach
If your date shows kindness and respect and honesty without oversharing about someone who hurt them, that’s huge! Ask them, “If your ex were here right now, what would they say was behind the breakup?” “I thought we were exclusive, but they were still seeing other people” is a green flag, whereas “I don’t know what they would say, but they were a total [insert insult],” or giving all the details to someone they barely know (you!), is deep red.
My clients have found this to be a powerful early question, not only because it reveals character, self-control, and emotional intelligence, but it also detects potential danger: the worst way a person speaks about someone else is how they will eventually treat you. Ask them this question, and you’ll give them room to show you who they are!
Lorne Campbell, PhD, Professor, Psychology, Western University
A demonstration of kindness is the biggest green flag on a first date. For example, if in a restaurant, how does the person interact with and treat the wait staff? Kindness is a core feature of interpersonal traits that most people tend to prefer in committed relationships.
Denise Marigold, Associate Professor of Social Development Studies at Renison University College, University of Waterloo
Paying attention to how the other person makes you feel is important. Do they make you feel comfortable and safe? Of course, a little bit of discomfort is okay to the extent that it reflects the awkwardness or anxiety that can come with a first date. But discomfort that feels threatening in some way—for example, your date exhibiting some controlling behaviours—should be taken more seriously.
When two people are getting to know each other and develop a connection, reciprocal self-disclosure is important. You share a little bit, the other person shares a little bit, you share a bit more, they share a bit more, and so on.
Ideally this would be pretty balanced, displaying mutual interest and respecting each other’s boundaries.
Also consider how the other person responds when you share something. Are they listening to understand you, or to decide what they will say next? Do they let you finish, or do they interrupt you with their own perspective? If they do the latter, it’s a green flag.
Ellyn Bader, PhD, Co-Founder & Director,The Couples Institute, Menlo Park, California
The purpose of a first date is to see if you want to have a second date, that’s all. So the biggest green flag on a first date is enjoying their company enough that you want to continue the connection. This could look like enjoying the way you feel, how you are when you’re with them, enjoying what they bring out of you, feeling relaxed and at ease, etc. Another indicator of a green flag would be the following: shared interests, shared history, shared friendships, shared commitments to same causes.
Read the full article here
