DEAR ABBY: My brother “Earl” and I always had a very bad relationship. When I was 6 and Earl was 13, he molested me. Actually, he took my virginity. My mother caught him but whipped both of us and told me I should have known better than to allow it to happen. Fast-forward to when I was 17. I woke up to find him lying in bed with me, stroking my face. I screamed for my mother, who said, “Oh, he probably came home drunk or something.”
Earl was never nice to me; even on his deathbed, he yelled at me for forgetting to take his house keys to my other brother, as his daughter asked me to do. A few weeks later, I forgave him for everything he did to me, but the last time I saw him alive, I still felt his hatred toward me.
There is a memorial planned, and I’m not sure I want to attend. I’m the youngest of seven; some of my siblings know the history and have witnessed the animosity between us. Part of me wants to go because Earl was my brother, and part of me is afraid if I don’t, my siblings will hold it against me. Another part of me feels a memorial is to pay your last respects to the deceased, and I have no respect for Earl. I don’t know what to do. — VICTIMIZED IN GEORGIA
DEAR VICTIMIZED: From what you have written, Earl seems more like an emotional and sexual abuser than a brother. Your siblings have no right to give you a hard time if you skip the memorial. Remind them of how he treated you and how much you suffered for it if that fact has slipped their minds.
You should do whatever makes you comfortable, and if listening to your angry, abusive pervert of a brother eulogized would make you uncomfortable, stay away.
Because you didn’t get counseling at the time he assaulted you, you might benefit from discussing your family history with a licensed therapist. To find one, contact an organization called RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). Its toll-free phone number is 1-800-656-4673 and its website is rainn.org.
DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old is enrolled in a Spanish immersion kindergarten class, and we are getting through it the best we can. We are an English-speaking household, so it is a challenge. The teacher is incredible. Her energy, dedication, spirit and connection with the kids is amazing. However, she is a cringe-worthy singer.
What she sings is nowhere near the melody. I’m not the only person who feels this way. Music is a big part of learning for the kids in this class, so this is a significant problem. As a singer, I can tell you that “tone deafness” is a myth. The ability to carry a tune can be learned.
I would love to offer this teacher singing lessons, for free, of course, but I have no idea how to approach it. A comment on vocal ability could feel similar to a comment on one’s physical appearance. I brought it up to the principal early in the year. She told me she would look into it and get back to me, but never did.
Should I let it be, since these teachers, staff and administration have so much on their plates right now? We have been at this for nearly six months, and I really feel it should be addressed. — IN-TUNE MOMMY
DEAR MOMMY: Because the principal promised to get back to you and never did, it is possible that your kind offer fell through the cracks. Contact the principal again and ask how the teacher reacted to your proposition. If the response was negative, do not pursue it further. If she showed an interest, follow through.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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