Some parents may wonder if their child has been here before because they are equipped with emotional intelligence that hasn’t been taught.
Having the ability to manage their own emotions and understand the emotions of people around them is often praised. But is it always a good thing?
Newsweek spoke to Jocelyn Bibi, a licensed social worker, and Polina Shkadron, a neurodivergent therapist both based in New York, about the complexities of emotional intelligence in children and why it can sometimes become a burden rather than a gift.
“Often times, when there is a child with a high level of emotional intelligence, adults assume that they are super-mature and therefore can handle a lot,” Bibi told Newsweek. “Developmentally, though, there are still things that kids shouldn’t necessarily be exposed to if they can help it.”
What Is Emotional Intelligence?
Bibi said that emotional intelligence in children is similar to what we see in adults—high levels of empathy; ability to understand others’ perspectives and feelings; and the ability to manage one’s own big feelings.
Bibi added: “The major difference, however, when we hear people talking certain children being emotionally intelligent, is that, oftentimes, these kids are ‘wise beyond their years.’ Also known as—they’re understanding emotions of their own and others at a level that is likely higher than their peers.
“While it is celebrated for many, it can also be an overwhelming responsibility, because, developmentally, even though a child has a higher emotional quotient, they’re still a child.”
Shkadron told Newsweek: “Emotional intelligence is also a skill that isn’t about simply naming emotions. It is a complex understanding of where those feelings come from, how they emerge, what they are in response to, and how you can shift between emotional states when you recognize that something is making you uncomfortable.”
Bibi said: “Kids with high levels of emotional intelligence can also read feelings really well. While, in some situations, this is great, because they can be empathetic to the ones they love, they can also hold stress/tough feelings for others.”
Signs of Emotional Intelligence
Bibi, the owner of Jocelyn Bibi Therapy, said that some common signs of emotional intelligence in children include:
- Asking thoughtful, detailed questions about others’ emotions.
- Sensing and responding to emotional cues without being told.
- Accurately reading facial expressions and body language.
- Taking on the role of a “fixer” in social or family situations.
- Trying to resolve others’ emotional struggles or conflicts.
- Displaying empathy and compassion beyond their age level.
The Hidden Cost of Sharing Too Much With Emotionally Intelligent Children
Emotional intelligence may benefit children socially, but it can also place an emotional burden on them.
While the traits can shape them to be an understanding friend who knows what to do in a conflict situation, it can also create pressure children aren’t ready to handle. In some cases, the child may even act older than they are.
Bibi said: “We never want our kids to get involved in adult conflict or to be parentified—just because they are emotionally intelligent does not mean that they should be solving adult problems.
“Another drawback can be frustration, especially for tweens. When a tween is more emotionally intelligent than her peers, she may get frustrated by the day-to-day drama of middle school because resolution seems so simple to her, but not her peers.”
To prevent children taking on adult emotions, Bibi said she advises adults against sharing personal details about their lives with their children.
She added: “While it’s great to model vulnerability and feelings, sharing too many details can be overwhelming to a kiddo. We want to ensure that these kids aren’t feeling responsible for the feelings of everyone in their life—especially not for the adults in their life.”
Let Kids Be Kids
This means children are often unable to be free to focus on their own development and feelings. The child becomes hyperaware of the adult’s emotional state.
Shkadron said: “They take on responsibility that isn’t theirs because it is the adult who is lacking in the emotional maturity to hold their own stressors without giving them to the child.
“The signs could point to neurodivergence and fear responses that get triggered when there is lack of safety in the direct environment.”
Shkadron said that young children who feel responsible for the happiness of others are operating from what is known as a ‘fawn’ response—a trauma response where an individual tries to appease or please someone perceived as a threat, often to avoid conflict or danger.
Shkadron said: “It doesn’t leave space for the child or the child’s own needs. At a young age, it isn’t something that they can logically or critically analyze because it is the brain operating from parts that ensure safety for the nervous system. The body then follows to do or say whatever is needed to make sure the threat is neutralized.”
As the experts pointed out, it is crucial for adults to support emotionally intelligent children by protecting their emotional space, not relying on them for comfort or stability.
These kids may appear mature, but they still need the freedom to be children—without the pressure to fix or manage the world around them.
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