Young men need more education to cope with rejection to prevent violence against women

Teenage boys and young men should be given education and training in how to cope with rejection to help prevent murders like that of 21-year-old Lilie James, national family violence experts say.

They want respectful relationships programs extended beyond the mandatory age of 15 to include 16- to 24-year-olds, and say this would reduce the risk of retaliation by young men after sexual or relationship rejection, a pattern evident in many recent, high-profile killings.

Such programs would help young men learn to cope with a sense of humiliation and to avoid behaviours they may not recognise as common precursors to fatal violence, experts say.

National women’s safety leaders, including Monash University Professor Kate Fitz-Gibbon, chair of Respect Victoria, Jesuit Social Services Men’s Project executive director Matt Tyler and DVNSW chief executive Delia Donovan say actions recommended by NSW coroner Teresa O’Sullivan in her findings on James’ murder should already have been acknowledged and implemented.

O’Sullivan found that the St Andrew’s Cathedral School water polo coach was killed at the school by her colleague, sports assistant Paul Thijssen, with whom she had a brief relationship.

Thijssen had used coercively controlling behaviours and tech-based abuse – including location-tracking James after she attempted to end the relationship – that peers did not recognise as abusive and indicating possible escalation.

The coroner’s November 2025 findings noted “a particular need” for targeted relationships education for 16- to 25-year-olds at school, further education or work, and that young men should be provided with more relationship information and advice services.

Comments by James’ mother, Peta that “we must teach boys to respect and value women’s opinions and choices, and to accept rejection” resonated deeply, O’Sullivan wrote. “It is my hope that Peta’s message, and the lessons learnt from this tragedy, echo beyond this courtroom and contribute to meaningful change.”

Fitz-Gibbon, whom O’Sullivan commissioned to provide evidence, said Peta’s statement “goes to the heart of action that is needed” and that it is “deeply concerning” that there has been no governmental response to findings that could prevent fatal violence.

“Rejection, and more specifically the failure to cope with rejection, is all too often at the heart of intimate partner homicides,” she said. “I’ve seen that repeatedly in over a decade of research examining intimate partner homicide in Australia.”

Domestic homicide death reviews across Australia often identified “jealousy, relationship separation, infidelity and family court involvement as precipitating men’s lethal violence”.

“The inability to deal safely with rejection all too often runs through cases of intimate partner homicide, yet we have not seen a substantive prevention effort, particularly with young men, that focuses specifically on addressing entitlement and the inability to cope with rejection. We need to teach boys and young men these skills.”

Matt Tyler, who has researched young men’s attitudes to violence and masculinity expectations, said 16 per cent of adolescent boys he surveyed “agreed that they usually try to get back at someone if they are rejected”.

“The problematic behaviours identified in [the Lilie James] inquest – entitlement, digital surveillance, retaliation after rejection – are unfortunately not rare,” he said.

“Based on our work with hundreds of schools each year, teachers as well as parents often need greater support to engage with young people on a range of issues, including equipping boys to cope with rejection,” Tyler said.

Fitz-Gibbon and Tyler’s call for action on O’Sullivan’s recommendations, including for community-wide education on coercive control, is backed by women’s safety authorities, including Patty Kinnersly, chief executive of Our Watch.

Among the devastating inquest findings was how widely Thijssen’s coercive behaviours were accepted by some friends and peers, Kinnersly said: “They did not seem to understand why location-tracking was so wrong and did not see it as a potential precursor for further forms of abuse.”

Delia Donovan, of DVNSW, said the inquest showed the need to better reach young men but that, “this is about calling men into the conversation – not shaming them – and giving them the tools to recognise and change harmful behaviours before they escalate”.

“For boys, it needs to start with loving and respecting themselves,” she said. “There is an urgent need for education so young people understand the real risks of coercive and controlling behaviours, including technology-facilitated abuse like location-tracking and digital-monitoring.”

We need to support young men with relationship skills so they do not harm others but also so that they are happier and have better lives.

Christine Mathieson, interim chief executive Safe and Equal

“Location-sharing should never be normalised as a sign of care or intimacy – it can be a serious red flag,” said Donovan.

Safe and Equal (formerly DV Vic) interim chief executive Christine Mathieson said though prevention work takes time, “men and boys learn entitlement, and they learn aggression. In too many cases this spills over into violence and the murder of women.

“We need to support young men with relationship skills and emotional intelligence so that they do not harm others, but also so that they are happier and have better lives filled with care and love.”

Dr Tessa Boyd-Caine, chief executive of Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety, said the findings reinforced that relationship separation was a time of risk, and for young people “post-separation abuse can escalate quickly”.

“Incorporating this reality into respectful relationships education is important because it supports earlier recognition of harm and safer decision-making,” she said.

“The absence of any public response to the recommendation is critical, too, because prevention only works when lessons are acted on, not simply noted.”

Schools and staff needed clear pathways for safe and consistent responses when students shared experiences of violence, Boyd-Caine said. “Curriculum content without support for disclosures risks placing responsibility back on young people or leaving staff to navigate high-risk situations without the competence or guidance they need.”

New curriculum should be paired with training, practice guidance and evaluation, she said.

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