DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my husband, “Ted,” for nearly 15 years, married for 11. He has two children, 38 and 33, and I have one who is 32. When we started dating, none of our children planned to have children of their own. I made it clear from the start that I have no desire to be a grandma. I’m a teacher and work with kids all day, every day, and that is enough for me. He said he felt the same way.
His children now each have two children, while mine has stuck by her decision not to have any. I still have no desire to fill the grandma role. Ted’s kids are starting to make remarks about the fact I am not around much, and Ted recently told me this is causing a divide between us.
I tried to explain that I haven’t changed; he has. We have a blast together and enjoy traveling and hanging out with friends, but our couple time is slowly fading away. I’m tired of being the bad guy because I prefer to spend my personal time with adults.
Should I figure out how to be a single older lady, agree to live separate lives in the same house, or conform and be miserable, babysitting and spending all my free time doing what I absolutely do not want to do? I want my husband back, not the grandpa. — DON’T CALL ME GRANDMA
DEAR DON’T CALL ME GRANDMA: You can’t expect your husband to turn his back on his grandchildren. If the shoe were on the other foot and your daughter had made you a grandmother, there’s a good chance you’d feel exactly as he does now.
Because you and Ted still love each other, divorce doesn’t seem like a good solution. Would the two of you consider separating and returning to more of a dating relationship for a few years until Ted’s grandkids no longer need a babysitter? That way, you can continue to have fun with him while avoiding the grandma role.
DEAR ABBY: My husband’s distant cousin, whom we haven’t seen in more than 20 years, recently contacted us to say she wants to come for a visit. We have never really cared for her and do not want her to stay with us. Is there a polite way to tell her we are not open for her visit? — KEEPING TO OURSELVES IN FLORIDA
DEAR KEEPING: The polite way to tell this distant cousin you do not want her as a houseguest would be to respond that you are unable to host her and suggest some nice hotels in the area. Add that you would be glad to take her out for lunch or dinner in order to catch up while she’s in the neighborhood.
DEAR ABBY: If a woman asks a man to go on a first date, how should the check be paid? — SADIE IN IOWA
DEAR SADIE: The person who offers the invitation is expected to pay for the meal unless there is a prior arrangement to handle it differently. This applies in all relationships, not just romantic ones, but close friends usually have a standing agreement to request separate checks.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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