Growing up in a small midwestern town in the 1980s, Cassie Blakely learned to mask her symptoms early. She’d ask the teacher to help sharpen pencils so she didn’t have to finish a task. She learned that winning people over could be a superpower, especially when she struggled academically.
It took decades before Blakely was officially diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, at 37, thanks to her two daughters’ own diagnosis processes.
“I realized through them, because they started being under the microscope” at speech therapy and occupational therapy, Blakely, now 51 and living in San Diego, told The Post. “Watching both of my daughters struggle kind of felt like my own childhood was being repeated in front of me.”
For Sarah Todd, a 45-year-old mom who works at the Texas Cannabis Policy Center in Austin, Texas, it was a friend’s child who lit the spark with an ADHD diagnosis about three years ago.
That friend received his own diagnosis soon afterwards, followed by Todd’s husband earlier this year, and then Todd herself. While she’d always struggled with anxiety, as she entered perimenopause a few years ago, she started feeling depressed. She tried hormone replacement therapy, but that didn’t seem to totally solve the issue.
Now, four months past her initial diagnosis, Todd finally feels like herself again.
“Oh my God! [ADHD] medication changed my life. I feel so much better,” she said. “The first day that I took this medication, it was almost like I felt the depression lift out of my body.”
Todd and Blakely are among a growing cohort of mothers across the US who are realizing, to their surprise, that they have ADHD — long after finishing school, launching successful careers and raising children of their own.
In fact, it has become increasingly common for moms to learn about the lesser-known signs and symptoms of ADHD as they’re going through the diagnosis process with the next generation, suddenly realizing, Oh, this sounds exactly like me, experts tell The Post.
It’s not just little kids and millennial moms, either. David Goodman, MD, assistant professor in the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who has a special interest in ADHD in adults over 50, sees plenty of grown women realizing during their own diagnosis process that their moms in their 60s and 70s probably have ADHD too.
What is ADHD — and are all these new diagnoses actually legit?
In 2023, roughly 15.5 million adults in the US were living with an ADHD diagnosis. That’s up from about 4.4% of adults ages 18 to 44 (roughly 8 million people) two decades earlier.
It would be natural to wonder how that number could jump so dramatically — and where these “new” ADHD cases are coming from.
First, it’s important to understand what ADHD is. The disorder affects the brain’s executive functions, which helps control things like attention, organization and impulse control. At times the brain can become overstimulated, while at other times it can be understimulated, explains Lara Litvinov, PhD, director and senior psychologist at the ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute.
So why would more people be diagnosed with ADHD now?
It’s not necessarily that more people suddenly have it — it’s that more cases are finally being identified. For decades, ADHD was viewed as a childhood disorder — and one chiefly among hyperactive boys. In fact, the criteria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual are still based largely on data from young boys.
“I had so much shame about being a mom and not doing enough … And no one was really talking about the ADHD component.”
Cassie Blakely
But research over the past decade or so has shown the ways it can look different in both adults and females. Ellen Littman, PhD, a clinical psychologist and co-author of Understanding Girls With ADHD, has been studying this for decades, cataloging the ways the disorder presents differently in girls and women, from symptomatology to hormonal impacts.
She and others in the field have been educating physicians and the public on the women who slip through the cracks.
This has just started to shrink a particular gap for females, who are diagnosed roughly five years after males, despite symptoms first appearing around the same age.
As for the moms — and even some dads — who have a eureka moment thanks to their children, it makes sense that they might see a reflection of their own experience in their kids, because genetics play a huge role: If even one of your parents has ADHD, there’s a 40 to 50% chance you will have it too, according to Dr. Goodman.
Boys will be boys
While symptoms don’t strictly follow sex lines, boys tend to be diagnosed much earlier because their symptoms often present outwardly as hyperactivity, impulsivity and being disruptive — while girls present with inattentiveness or distraction, and are often socialised to mask any outwardly negative symptoms.
“Those inattentive girls are the ones who have gotten lost in the past,” said Lara Litvinov, PhD, clinician and director of the ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute.
Blakely, her husband, and their two girls all have ADHD, but present “very differently.” “My body, physically, wasn’t showing it. I wasn’t climbing up the walls. My brain was very busy,” she said, reflecting on her childhood.
And with boys historically receiving a diagnosis much earlier than their female counterparts, “that is 10 years of them getting help, and girls trying to make sense of why they are struggling, which chips away at self-esteem,” said Dr. Litvinov.
High-achieving women are often overlooked. After all, how could a successful businesswoman or Ivy League grad possibly have a disorder that affects their executive functioning?
The reality is, ADHD can be a superpower. That hyperfocus, creativity and ability to stay calm in moments of crisis can be a boon — but motherhood and menopause can make “manageable” symptoms turn disruptive.
Laura Sgro, LCSW, a licensed anxiety and trauma therapist, was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult as well. Before a diagnosis, women frequently experience shame in not being able to function “properly” — making it to appointments on time, keeping a regular schedule, keeping the house clean, she says. They’ll use timers, reminders and voice notes just to manage their symptoms.
While they may seem like they’re holding it together, inside, they’re thinking: What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just do this? Why am I so forgetful?
“I know those were questions I asked myself for a long time,” Sgro added. “I love that now there’s conversations happening.”
But a lot has changed in recent years, including the way we approach mental health and our understanding of ADHD presentations. Social media has played a big role in broadcasting those advancements.
“We’re in a cultural period right now where people are just wanting to understand themselves better and wanting to function better with everything else being so chaotic around us,” said Sgro.
Previously, the diagnosis rate for boys to girls stood at 16:1. These days, it is more like 2 or 3:1, said Dr. Littman, thanks to better education that leads to self-referral and women recognizing signs in themselves through their own children’s diagnoses.
“The two together are making it so that there’s an incredible increase in the amount of women being diagnosed,” she explained.
The moms are not alright
One of the biggest factors exposing ADHD in undiagnosed women? Motherhood. “People say, ‘Did it create the ADHD?’” said Blakely of motherhood. “No, it really exposed it.”
With two kids and lots of doctors appointments, Blakely really struggled with the scheduling load and felt constantly exhausted and like she was failing as a mother — which is something several moms also told The Post.
“Their tools just no longer work,” said Erika Kawamura, PsyD, DipACLM, licensed psychologist and Director of Practice Initiatives at Equilibria Psychological and Consultation Services in the Greater Philadelphia area. That leaves moms trying to white-knuckle their way through.
Megan Brody, 49, doesn’t yet have a formal ADHD diagnosis, but the Bay Area mom is in the process of getting one. And she’s pretty confident it will be positive — her sister has ADHD and it became clear to her a few years ago that her older daughter probably has it too. “When I look at my kids, and when I look at my family of origin, I’m like, oh yes, yeah, I see it.”
Becoming a mother was “when everything got so hard,” said Brody, who is mom to two sets of twins. The mental load and responsibility were crushing in ways that went beyond the chaos of having four kids in a short period of time. Most importantly, that stress and overwhelm were affecting her mental and physical health.
“I had so much shame about being a mom and not doing enough, that I was doing something wrong,” says Blakely. “And no one was really talking about the ADHD component.”
Many adult women with ADHD experience intense overwhelm and burnout, said Kawamura.
So, when actress and comedian Busy Philipps spoke on The Child Mind Institute podcast about her own diagnosis through her kids — and those intense feelings of overwhelm, shame and depression that suddenly seemed to make sense — the comments section quickly overflowed with moms, including Brody and Blakely, chiming in.
Blakely, the self-styled “ADHD Warrior,” has made it her mission to have similar conversations. She has since founded ADHD Warrior Consulting, which helps people and parents navigate ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, and anxiety.
“I don’t talk sports, news and weather. I get down and I talk very deep,” she said.
Finding themselves again
For many women, an official diagnosis is emotional and complicated, but ultimately freeing. The resounding response from moms is: Oh, this makes so much sense.
From there, they can start to find support through therapy, medication, lifestyle changes, or a combination of the three. Dr. Litvinov says it’s important for moms to have compassion for themselves and to set realistic expectations.
“I think that’s the most exciting part to me about getting clarity around how my brain works — I can lighten my load and actually be able to be present and be playful,” said Brody.
Todd’s diagnosis, alongside the ADHD medication, have transformed her life: “There is no shame in needing help to feel like the best version of yourself.”
Brody recognizes the complexity of the situation, since she imagines certain parts of her life may have been easier with an earlier diagnosis, but she still finds herself asking: Would I have achieved the things I did?
She doesn’t know the answer. Still, she’s determined to do what’s best for her daughter. “If I could help her not feel this sense of what is wrong with me, that would be great,” she said.
Kids’ diagnosis and treatment ultimately helps moms rewrite part of their story, too. “Through my children, I was healing that part of myself,” says Blakely.
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