Gold Coast fitness coach Mitch Little spent several years thinking his wife Carissa hated him.
“I don’t even say that as a joke,” he told news.com.au. “I genuinely believed she’d begun to hate me.”
The catalyst came one day when Mitch returned home to find Carissa in tears, unable to identify what the problem was.
“I went upstairs and she was sitting on the edge of the bed, just bawling her eyes out. And I said, like, Chris, what’s wrong? What’s going on? You know, it’s not normal to see your wife in tears. And she just said, ‘I’ve got no idea. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’”
As Carissa soon revealed, the incident wasn’t an isolated one.
“I found out that she’d been sitting on the edge of the bed crying into her pillow every single night for weeks, months even, while I was downstairs watching TV or doing something else,” he said. “I just had no idea.”
Perimenopause – the transitional period leading up to menopause that is characterized by fluctuating hormone levels that cause a variety of physical and psychological symptoms – can last upwards of ten years, but research reveals women in Australia are under-supported when it comes to awareness, information and medical help.
This transition not only represents a deadly danger zone for Aussie women (plummeting hormone levels coincide with the highest statistical window for female suicide, which peaks between the ages of 45 and 49), it also represents the biggest risk to their relationships.
National data shows this same midlife period correlates with the highest risk of divorce in Australia.
Psychotherapist Julie Sweet of Sydney’s Seaway Counselling and Psychotherapy regularly works with clients in various stages of relationship turmoil who haven’t realized there is a hormonal component to their problems.
“In my clinical work, I frequently hear women describe a profound ‘shift’ in how they feel toward their partner – comments like ‘I’m finally seeing him clearly,’ ‘I’m so burnt out I can’t tolerate this anymore,’ or ‘I never used to get this frustrated.’ These experiences are commonly attributed to their partner’s behavior or character,” she explains.
“However, when we explore this more deeply in therapy, it often becomes clear that these behaviors are not new or unfamiliar – they were present earlier in the relationship yet were previously tolerated or managed differently.”
Sweet says that historically, few women have connected this shift to hormonal changes such as perimenopause or menopause.
It’s an observation backed up by the data.
In news.com.au’s Fire Up reader survey, impact on relationships was the third most cited concern among respondents, with 35 per cent stating it is the aspect of menopause or perimenopause that concerns them most.
In a landmark 2022 study by The Family Law Menopause Project and Newson Health Research and Education, 73 percent of women surveyed identified perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms as the primary reason for the breakdown of their marriage, while almost 80 percent of respondents admitted that their perimenopause/menopause symptoms put a strain on their children and/or family life.
Only a third of all women had been offered treatment or HRT to relieve their symptoms.
Sweet says that while it’s crucial not to dismiss the myriad of midlife complexity that strains relationships, ignoring the impact of potential hormonal interference means missing the whole story.
“I often hear male partners describe feeling in sessions as though their partner has fundamentally changed, expressing things like ‘I can’t do anything right anymore’ or ‘she’s no longer the person she used to be’,” she said.
“Many men disclose they feel a strong urge to ‘fix’ the situation yet don’t know how, and they’re searching for a road map that simply hasn’t been explained to them. When couples are supported to understand the physiological, emotional, and relational impacts of perimenopause, the cycle of misunderstanding and withdrawal can begin to soften, making room for understanding, communication, and reconnection.”
For Mitch and Carissa, the road map to repair began with a search for answers.
“I just started to look into it,” Mitch said. “I was like, something’s up … my wife’s nickname was Smiley, because she was just known for this big smile that lit up a room. One of the pivotal moments was when we were in the kitchen, and she just smiled this big smile.
“And it was a shock, because I was like, ‘Oh my gosh, that’s you, that’s the you that I haven’t seen for a long time.’ That’s when I started to look into what is actually going on with my wife right now, and that’s what led us down the rabbit hole of looking into perimenopause.”
Mitch believes this education is the only way to shift the narrative away from the toxic culture he witnessed as a young man.
“I remember being a 16-year-old kid leaving school … and I’d just hear men on construction sites all the time just talking about their wives and just awful things, terrible things,” he said. “And I think – what if they knew what their partner was going through, they’d really feel for them, and the narrative might change.”
Without that understanding, Mitch warns that many men simply walk away.
“This is why divorce and suicide rates are so high, because there is not that understanding,” he says.
“Women are suffering in silence, crying into their pillows at night. And then on the other end of the scale, there’s uneducated men who are just badmouthing their partners because they assume they just hate them.
“I would say, put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Have compassion. Understand that if you were going through such a difficult transition, you’d probably want a shoulder to cry on.”
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