A woman approaching 40 has opened up about her decision to not have children, describing it as one of her “biggest regrets in life.”
The number of adults under 50 who say they are unlikely to have children has risen in the U.S., from 37 percent in 2018 to 47 percent in 2023, according to a Pew Research Center survey.
For a long time, Kelda Louise, a charity worker based in Wales, felt like she didn’t want children. “I did not think I did when I was younger,” she told Newsweek. “As I have got older and focused less on work and more on relationship links, I realised I did want a child. It was definitely a slow growing feeling though and creeped up on me a lot quicker than expected.”
With her 40th birthday fast approaching, Louise found herself struggling to come to terms with the idea she would likely never be a mom.
“Emotionally it is such a huge thing to face and it is something that has a deadline which adds to the pressure,” she said. “I had to really work on not letting it consume me. I think motherhood is all around us as well and it can be very upsetting.”
Eager to open up about these feelings, Louise turned to social media, and TikTok, as a means to talk through her issues. Louise said she has found social media to be “overwhelming” in the past, but has had a different experience with TikTok.
“I have found huge areas of comfort sharing things regarding loneliness and mental health,” Louise said. “Missing out on motherhood is something that has been increasingly on my mind. It is something I have had to become comfortable with admitting to myself and felt I could share it. I was not expecting the reaction to the video though to be honest.”
In a video posted to TikTok under the handle @nrom11, Louise said: “One of the biggest regrets I have in life is not having children.”
“I spent a lot of my life saying that I didn’t think I really wanted kids but turns out I did and I think I would have been a good mum,” she said.
Though there is a raw honesty to Louise’s admission, she does strike a positive note for the future as she prepares to turn 40. “In order for me to move forward and focus on enjoying life after I turn 40, I have to accept it and that’s something I am working on.”
Though she acknowledges being a parent is something that is “so huge not to have done in your life” she “can’t change it” so has to instead accept it and “find ways to just enjoy life.”
Louise’s video went viral, racking up over 370,000 views since being shared last month, and resonating with many women facing similar issues. “It’s hard, really really hard to accept, and I’m still not quite there myself yet. I’m sending you a massive hug,” one viewer wrote.
“I do agree, you seem like the perfect mum,” another said. “Kind, loving and very supportive. I know it’s not the same but I do think you bring this nourishing mum energy to your community here. And I’m very grateful for it.”
Louise was caught off guard by the response the video received. “I was a little surprised by people being so shocked that someone nearing 40 has to think about these things,” she said.
She was particularly surprised by the number of responses either insisting 40 was not too old to have children or imploring her to foster or adopt.
“I had to really work on not letting it consume me.”
Kelda Louise
“Loads of people have kids in their 40s these days,” one said. “You are so young and beautiful. You can adopt, foster or even have your own child,” another said.
Louise said: “Some of the comments were bordering on simplistic and making out it is something that is so easy to solve. It proves again how important discussion around these things is. Motherhood is one of the things we do run out of time for and acknowledging that some of us won’t get that joy is important.”
Though her experience of posting the video was a positive one, Louise said she had to “step back from scrolling” after she uploaded the clip as the algorithm began sending her clips of people announcing pregnancies which “definitely brought those envy feelings back in.”
She has no regrets about opening up and addressing her concerns though. “It’s going to be harder to face as the options become even narrower but it is so important to keep talking about it,” Louise said. “Speaking to others with similar feelings just makes it feel like you are less alone.”
For now, Louise is focusing on the things she can control in her life and achieving a better work and life balance. “Sometimes we can allow other things to take over the life side because we feel we have missed out,” Louise said. “Who knows what will happen if I take a bit more time for myself and try to enjoy my life for what it is in the moment.”
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