It’s the viral TikTok doing the rounds again: a mime at SeaWorld sees a mom carrying a baby and a heavy backpack, looks at the dad walking beside her, and does what the internet has dubbed a public service.
The mime takes the baby bag from the mom, dumps it on the dad’s shoulder, gives her a playful pat on the back, and walks off to cheers from the crowd.
The mime then turns back to the mom, does a phone-to-the-ear gesture, and mouths “call me.”
It’s funny. Until it’s not.
The joke that hits too close to home
Because while we’re all in on the joke, and the crowd is cheering and TikTok commenters are lining up with popcorn GIFs, what we’re actually laughing at is the tired old trope of one partner (usually a father, but not always) coasting through parenting while the other is drowning in it.
Passenger parenting, explained
The timing of the clip’s resurgence couldn’t be more apt.
This weekend, the ABC published a report on a phenomenon dubbed “passenger parenting,” based on new research by Norma Barrett from Deakin University.
Barrett and her team interviewed Australian fathers of young children and uncovered a troubling theme: men who want to be equal partners in parenting, but instead find themselves on the outer. Not because they don’t care. Not because they’re lazy. But because the structure of early parenthood, and outdated social norms, push them to the side.
Barrett’s research reveals that dads can feel like “sidekicks” in their own families.
The early days of parenting often see moms take the reins – for practical and physical reasons, yes, but also because that’s the expectation.
From breastfeeding to baby appointments, moms become the default parents. And even when both partners are well-intentioned, this default dynamic can stick around long after it’s useful or necessary.
Burnout, resentment and disconnection
The result? One partner feeling burdened, burnt out, and unsupported. The other feeling excluded, unsure of their role, and eventually disengaged.
It’s a dynamic that can quietly erode a relationship, leave kids with a skewed idea of what partnership looks like, and rob families of the opportunity to thrive as a team.
And while passenger parenting might look suspiciously like weaponised incompetence, there’s an important distinction.
Psychologist Carly Dober explains in the ABC article that weaponised incompetence is deliberate helplessness.
Passenger parenting, on the other hand, is often born from uncertainty, guilt, and a lack of opportunity to build confidence as a parent.
It’s not malicious. But it is harmful.
So how do we fix it?
For starters, we stop laughing.
Not in a humourless way (because yes, the mime video is objectively hilarious). But in a way that recognises the harm in normalising imbalance.
This isn’t about dad-shaming or creating yet another parental guilt pile-on. It’s about all partners – dads, moms, everyone in between – being aware of the dynamic they’re living in. And then working together to change it.
It helps to get specific. If you feel like a passenger parent, ask your partner where they’d most appreciate support.
Take responsibility for certain tasks. Learn how to do them well. Get involved in the micro-decisions, not just the fun stuff.
If you’re the one doing the bulk of the load, try to share your knowledge in a way that builds the other person up, not shuts them down.
What our kids are watching
Ultimately, what our kids see matters. If we want to raise a generation that sees parenting as a shared responsibility, they need to witness that in action.
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They need to see both parents carrying the bags, making the calls, doing the bedtime stories, and deciding what’s for lunch.
So yes, have a laugh at the mime video. But don’t stop there. Use it as a mirror.
Ask yourself: in this family, who’s carrying the weight – physically, mentally, emotionally? And what can we do, together, to even the load?
Because passenger parenting might be common. But that doesn’t make it okay. And it definitely doesn’t have to be permanent.
Read the full article here
