A woman says she “hated” being a mom the “minute” her daughter was put on her chest — and says she still dislikes motherhood as she “can’t be selfish.”
Tawana Musvaburi, 24, was thrown into motherhood suddenly after she gave birth four weeks after finding she was expecting due to a cryptic pregnancy — when a woman is unaware she’s expecting until late in the pregnancy or when going into labor.
After giving birth to her daughter, River, now two, she grappled with postpartum depression and started to “resent” her little girl.
The mom says it got so bad she would have intrusive thoughts of wanting to harm her daughter.
Now, after getting help, she has settled into motherhood but despite having so much love for River she “still hates” being a mom.
Musvaburi, a full-time content creator, from Buckingham, said: “I had no feeling of love when my baby was born.
“The minute she was put on my chest I hated it.
“I had really bad post partum depression. I started resenting my daughter.
“I still hate it – but I love my child so much.
“I can’t be selfish — I have to think about my daughter.”
Musvaburi found out she was eight months pregnant after being rushed to hospital feeling dizzy.
Doctors initially thought she was in kidney failure until an ultrasound revealed she was expecting.
Four weeks later Musvaburi, then aged 21, gave birth to River on February 27, 2023.
She said: “I had been drinking. I had been living a partying lifestyle.
“I was so scared.
“My life changed so much.
“I went from a young girl going out to a mum in four weeks.”
After the shock, Musvaburi thought when her daughter was born she would feel a gush of love and get to grips with motherhood but she fell into the depths of post-partum depression.
She said: “I had thoughts of harming my child.
“I was afraid to say it out loud – I thought I was crazy.
“I wouldn’t leave the house.
“I was so embarrassed.
“I was so burnout and focused all my energy on her.
“She’s beautiful and I’m a mess.
“River would lay in bed next to me – she’d be crying and I didn’t hear her. I had mentally checked out.
“Even when I was holding her she was crying and I was just looking at her – starting at her and watching her cry.”
Musvaburi was able to get support from her mom, Chipo, 45, and later from a doctor who helped make motherhood more manageable for her.
Her partner and River’s dad, Emmanuel Poku, 30, who is on sick pay, has also been on hand as the pair navigate being new parents.
She said: “The doctor helped me mange life and still be the best mum possible.
“If I keep putting myself last I wouldn’t be the best mum.
“River never asked to be here – it’s not her fault.
“It’s nobody’s fault.”
Musvaburi still struggles to enjoy being a mom now.
She said: “I hate the fact I have to stay at home – I can’t go out when I want.
“I can’t be spontaneous.
“If I want to go out with my friends it has to be planned months in advance.”
She also hates how being a mom makes her feel vulnerable.
She said: “I feel so vulnerable.
“I think ‘I’ll never be able to fully protect you’.
“That feeling is horrible.”
But Musvaburi finds balance in motherhood by making time for herself. River now goes to nursery three times a week.
She said: “The fact I have that time to myself, I can sit in silence – it’s so precious.
“It’s for my mental health and to be the best mum possible.”
Musvaburi still adores her daughter – but says she feels her little girls sees her more as a “sister”.
She said: “She’s fabulous.
“She’s a diva. She’s loud, bubbly and full of personality.
“What would have my life been life if this had never happened? I’d never have it any other way.”
Follow Musvaburi on Tiktok @tawanatr
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