Two tombstones have gone viral on Reddit after users noticed a striking difference between the way a husband and wife were memorialized.
The post, shared by Reddit user u/teragram333, showed the graves of James Delmage Ross and his wife, Alice Maud Ross.
The tribute to the man read: “James Delmage Ross ‘J.D.’ Ross one of the greatest Americans of our generation was an outstanding mathematician and an equally great engineer.
“He had also the practical ability to make things work in the sphere of public opinion and successful business; more than that he was a philosopher and a love and student of trees and flowers. His successful career and especially his long service in behalf of the public interest are worthy of study by every American boy.”
Ross was born November 9, 1872 and died March 14, 1939. His wife’s headstone, by contrast, read: “Alice Maud Ross. Devoted and Loving wife to ‘J.D.'”
Carla Harvey, a grief specialist at Parting Stone, told Newsweek that this kind of erasure reflects a long history of everyday sexism in death care, but it also mirrors how women are treated in everyday life. Too often, Harvey said, women are remembered only for the roles they played in service to others, while their own passions, achievements, and identities go unacknowledged.
“When I visit with female hospice patients, their eyes light up when I ask about their careers, hobbies, or dreams, and I often wonder how long it’s been since anyone cared enough to ask,” Harvey said. “Many women gave up so much for their families, and yet their personal stories fade into the background.”
While undeniably an issue of sexism, Harvey added, it also speaks to a broader cultural habit of alienating the elderly and failing to engage with them in meaningful conversation.
“We live in a time when people broadcast their every move on social media, yet we don’t always take the time to ask the older women in our lives what set their souls on fire,” Harvey said. “Imagine discovering that your grandmother was once a painter, a dancer, or an educator and realizing you’d never known.”
For Harvey, memorialization should start with honoring the whole person—not just their relationships. “Every life deserves to be remembered as the complex, multifaceted story it truly was,” she said.
The post prompted strong reactions from Reddit users, many of whom shared their own experiences of women’s identities being overlooked.
“She did nothing of particular note in her entire life other than marry this guy,” said one user.
“Every month I get a mortgage statement, and every single time it’s addressed to ‘Mr. and Mrs. [Husband’s first name] last name’.
“MINE IS THE ONLY NAME ON THE EFFING MORTGAGE!! The money comes from my bank account, not shared. He’s not even a cosigner! The only place his name in that entire bank institution is as a beneficiary in case I drop dead before he does.
“But for some godforsaken reason, they still put his name on the mortgage statements, and nothing I’ve done in the last 3 years has changed that,” posted another user.
A third wrote: “My boyfriend and I have a shared account for vacation money. My regular bank account is at the same bank. Almost every time I go to cash a check or whatever, even if I give the bank account number, they put MY MONEY in either the shared account or his. And then when I go back to say hey you did this wrong they just shrug and say they assumed it was ‘my husband’s money.'”
“My name is the only one on the mortgage, and to make it even more fun, it’s in my maiden name. The bank asked if I wanted to change it, I said this is fine. Lol [laugh out loud] my husband doesn’t care though,” shared another user.
Newsweek reached out to u/teragram333 for comment via Reddit. We could not verify the details of the case.
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